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          林一葦點評張悅《糖果夢》
          2014年12月2日 ? admin ? 評論數 0+ ? 已影響 +

          【題目】《糖果夢》
            【作者】張悅
            【學校】山東省菏澤市成武縣實驗小學六年級六班
            【指導老師】王穎
            【正文】
            我想大概這個世界上每個天真的小孩子,都抵不住糖果的誘惑。任何一個小孩子都是。哦,糖果,這個充溢著童真和浪漫的詞。
            ——題記
            糖果,只要一枚糖果,就可以讓童稚的小孩子們笑出聲來。
            只要一枚糖果,就可以讓小孩子親親。這游戲百試不爽,我從兜里拿出一顆糖果,放在隔壁孩子眼前,開始誘惑這個剛學會走路就逞能地四處亂跑的小家伙。“玲玲,要不要吃糖?”那個孩子乞憐地看著我,眼睛睜得大大的,仿佛對糖果這個食物很熟悉,似懂非懂地點頭。我有晃晃華麗的包裝紙,“那——親親我!”她眨著眼睛在我臉上“啾”了一下,我把糖果放進她的手中。她得意又有點羞澀地笑了,搖搖晃晃地跑回她媽媽身邊。
            在小時候牙牙學語時。我會說的第一個詞,不是爸爸,也不是媽媽,居然是讓人出乎意料的——“糖糖”,雖然發音不是非常標準,以致當我第一次說出這兩個字時,大家都稀里嘩啦笑成一片,一定認為我是個貪婪的愛吃甜食的小丫頭吧。過了幾年,6歲的我天天吃糖的惡果終于顯現出來——每次去診所,都在牙醫身邊大哭大叫著發誓“不要拔牙,以后不吃糖了,不要再有蛀牙了……”但蛀牙被拔掉后,在超市里,自己“貪婪”的目光仍然總是在糖果架上“掃蕩”。這大概就是“本性難移”吧!
            記得小時候,我總是為了吃糖很努力地讓媽媽覺得我很乖,然后獎給我糖吃。遇到一些難得一見的巧克力,甚至愛若珍寶地珍藏在自己的小盒子里,有別人來我家,就拿出那個盒子,得意地炫耀一番。經常見到的糖果,像什么大白兔奶糖、小水果糖,我就統統不客氣的解決掉。然而那些被我“珍藏”起來的“稀有”糖果,仍然逃不過的命運就是——統統融化掉了。那是我打開盒子,想要往里面放寶貝時發現的。我慘叫一聲,抱著糖果盒子哭了,很久很久,最后大大的眼睛哭得又紅又腫,媽媽無可奈何:“沒事的沒事的,只要你聽話,明天媽媽再給你買。”
            就這樣,在媽媽的獎勵加“縱容”下,我變得越來越乖巧,鄰居家的小伙伴都說:“悅悅你為什么有這么多的糖哇?”我大言不慚地回答:“因為我是最乖的小孩!所以媽媽總是獎給我糖吃!”
            你一定明白那感覺——不同顏色的糖果,代表了不同的心情和各自表達的意義。每一次當舌頭接觸糖果,品嘗到的其實是一種幸福的味道。舌尖觸到糖果,仿佛那一刻時間靜止,空氣凝結。
            粉色糖果,水蜜桃口味。淡淡的浪漫,融合著絲絲香甜。
            藍色糖果,草莓口味。帶著淺淺的憂傷,那藍色,真的就像天空一樣。
            黃色糖果,香橙口味。有點憂郁,時而有點飛揚。
            最近,總喜歡和同桌放學一起回家。她有個讓我羨慕不已的名字叫“糖糖”。現在我們已經成了形影不離的好朋友。她問:“你就那么愛吃糖嗎?”我拼命點頭“我覺得女生就是糖果做的,所以,愛吃糖,是女生的本性耶。嘻嘻。”
            今天放學后,媽媽來接我了,朋友在后面大喊:“記得明天去找我!”我揮揮手,“當然1”一邊跑,一邊在心里開始醞釀一個美麗的想法——等她下個月過生日時,一定要送一盒甜甜的巧克力。只有這份禮物,才配得上女生之間甜甜的友誼。
            【點評】一個小學六年級的孩子寫出來這么好的文字,讓我有甜蜜的喜悅與激動。
            文章開始,作者像個“小火人”一般做了一個“題記”:我想大概這個世界上每個天真的小孩子,都抵不住糖果的誘惑……這個題記很討巧很智慧,就是大人們大多數也都抵擋不住糖果的誘惑呢!因為“糖果”代表著甜蜜,它總是和美好的事件緊緊聯系在一起。糖果是一個夢,所有人的夢。
            文章從一個游戲開始,寫了牙牙學語時,少年時……甚至把由甜蜜帶來的牙病也如實寫了,整篇文章神采飛揚,作者的小調皮、小可愛、小智慧通過一個個小故事躍然紙上。文章的立意高、構架大,小作者有很高的寫作水平啊。不過也許她太要求完美了,反而露出了小小的不足之處嘍。感覺文章不是一氣呵成,上下兩部分內容有一點斷裂。我想提醒小作者今后寫作時要注意的是:不一定架構很大、面面俱到才是優秀作文,將自己的小可愛、小生活、小想法“激活”,就能寫出好文章。
            (來源:中華少年作家網/作者:張悅)

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