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          作家班 等你來為中華少年作家代言
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          張智華點評袁義翔《我會永遠這樣愛你》
          2015年4月16日 ? admin ? 評論數 0+ ? 已影響 +

          【題目】《我會永遠這樣愛你》
            【作者】袁義翔
            【學校】山東省淄博市張店區公園新村小學五(4)班
            【指導老師】吳明
            【正文】
            幾場大雨過后,天氣愈發添了涼意。本想窩在沙發里繼續看小說的我,面前的字跡卻顯得凌亂,怎么也進不到心里。
            就在剛才,我和媽媽起了一場不大的摩擦。摩擦雖小,但足以讓我銘記在心。媽媽背過身去許久的沉默,讓我的心有一種隱隱的痛。
            “媽,看見我放在沙發上的一張小紙了嗎?上面是我記的作業。”
            “什么………”
            媽媽像是沒聽清。不知從何時起,媽媽在我心中無所不能的形象消失了,現在的她反應總顯得慢,記性也不好,有時跟她說句話,耳朵也顯得有些背,眼睛已過早的花了。才43歲的她,看書縫衣已戴上了花鏡。再也不是那個小時候每問必答的媽媽了。
            “你再說一遍,媽沒聽清!”媽媽的聲音從廚房傳來。
            “我是說,我記作業的一張小紙,放在沙發上的,您看到過嗎?”我把聲音扯得足以讓一下班就在廚房忙活的媽媽能聽見。
            媽媽從廚房探出身:“不記得了呢?”說完,又在那兒忙。
            “明明是放在這兒的,怪了,怎么不見了?”我有點兒生氣了,屋里屋外找個不停。
            “媽,您再好好想想,是不是您整理屋子的時候把它扔掉了?”
            “好像……是沒看到。”
            媽媽說這話時,人還在廚房,并沒有看到我的表情。我想我的臉色肯定很難看。因為我看到媽媽原本高興地端著盤子從廚房出來,見到我,表情卻轉為了驚訝和擔心。
            “怎么了?是不是作業還沒有寫完……”沒等媽媽說完,我的話語就“扔”了過去:“是……昨天我還看到那張紙在沙發上的,肯定是你沒看清就給我扔了,你眼睛又不好,也不知道看看有沒有用,就亂扔一氣,真是的!”
            “那……還不趕緊打電話給同學!“媽媽說完,放下盤子就忙著去找手機。
            “別打,我不愿意問,讓人感覺跟上課沒仔細聽講一樣。”我小聲嘟囔著。一股無名的煩躁涌上大腦。我生氣地別過身去,這才看到放在桌上的盤子里面是剝好的黃橙橙的柚子。
            媽媽見我這樣說,一時不知怎樣才好,站在那兒像小時候犯錯的自己。我的脾氣媽媽是最了解的,她見我一直在那找來找去,隨即幫我一起尋找。
            我忽然憶起小學一年級,我把老師發的試卷落在了教室里,事后回家找不到,嚇得站在屋里大哭的情景。想起這些,我看到本來就腰不好的媽媽,彎下去的身體顯得更加吃力了。我只覺鼻子發酸,一股熱熱的東西在眼前晃動。我走過去,扶住還在尋找的媽媽,“不用找了,這事都怪我,是我沒有好好收拾,我這就打電話問同學。”
            “你……不是……”
            “媽,這些就不用你操心了,我總是丟三落四,這次就算是給我的教訓好了…….咱們吃柚子。”說著,我拿起一半媽媽為我精心剝好的柚子放入她的口中。媽媽笑了,順勢也拿起柚子的另一半放入我的嘴里。
            多少年了,媽媽心里裝的始終是我,就算自己生病住院,心里放不下的還是我。
            今年暑假,媽媽因身體不好需要在醫院治療。沒想到,這一住就是整整23天。這下可愁壞了還在生病的媽媽。媽媽擔心的不是自己的身體,而是無人照顧的我。她一遍遍打電話囑咐。每當我獨自一人去買早餐,獨自一人在家熱飯,獨自一人晚上熄燈睡覺時,眼前揮之不去的總是媽媽照顧我忙碌的身影。那早起的一杯熱牛奶,溫熱適中又可口的飯菜,晚上睡覺不老實被重新蓋好的棉被…….這一樁樁,一件件,清晰地在我腦海中劃過。
            望著眼前頭發有些凌亂和日漸蒼老的媽媽,耳邊忽然響起小時候媽媽的一句問話,“孩子,等媽媽老了,變得丑了,你還像現在這樣喜歡媽媽,愛媽媽嗎?”
            “當然,我會永遠這樣愛媽媽的。”
            是的,我會永遠這樣愛你的,我的媽媽!
            【點評】真是篇讓人感動的文章,任性、發脾氣的小作者與愛子心切的媽媽之間形成矛盾沖突,以“一張小紙”為導火索,并導致了小作者大發脾氣。冷靜下來之后,小作者回憶起以往的點點滴滴,終于懂了媽媽的心意。文章對“我”的心理刻畫是非常成功的,通過一系列回憶和細膩的心理描寫勾畫出了媽媽對“我”暖暖的包容和愛。
            我以為從文字的功夫來說,后半段顯然更為成功。以推進時間發展為主,語言還可以更精煉,但結尾的亮點讓整篇文章得到了升華。這種以“矛盾”入手,繼而抒發對媽媽的愛與感恩的寫法,頗為打動人心,相信也會深深地打動其他小讀者的。
            (來源:中華少年作家網/作者:袁義翔)

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